Monday, July 23, 2012

My Lupus Life

I have lived with my Lupus diagnosis for over a year now and I have learned quite a bit about myself along the way.  My newest revelation has come over the past few weeks.  It was brought about by the choice I made to run a half marathon.  I began running in January and used the couch to 5k program to get myself back into shape.  I have now ran a few 5k's and wanted to make that leap and fulfill a goal that I have wanted for sometime now, the half marathon. 

As I talked to other people about it I noticed how often I said that I wanted to run now while I can or how running has become such a part of my life that I would be heartbroken when I have to quit.  It's these types of statements that were coming out of my mouth that caused me to pause and reflect.  When had I become such a glass is half empty type of person?  Somewhere along my journey of health and life I have come to just expect that at any moment the other shoe is going to drop.  At any time my health will take a drastic down turn and I will be back to barely being able to walk or lift my children up.  The shock of my Lupus diagnosis has stuck my brain in a pattern of thinking that I do not want for myself.  I do not want to always be waiting for the flare to hit me. 

I need to realize and remember that it is not likely that I will ever get that bad again.  We know what is wrong with me and when I feel a flare coming on we can take care of it quickly.  It is just like my Crohn's disease.  I will never get as bad as I was that first time 10+ years ago.  I know what to do!  I know in my heart that living this life in fear of the next flare is NOT how God wants me to live.  In 1 Peter it talks about casting all your fears on God because He cares for us.  Then, in Colossians I am remind how I can do all thing through Christ who gives me strength.  I believe that God knows my fears related to my health and I believe these last few weeks He has been nudging me to let them go.  To cast them at His feet and leave them there.  Not to pick them back up tomorrow or later this evening (if we are being real here.)  I believe that God is telling me that, yes, I will have flares but, no, it is not the end of my hopes and dreams for myself.  He will give me strength to survive each flare and come back each time.  My life is NOT over and I WILL stop talking like it is. 

'Therefore, since we have so great a cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every encumbrance and the sin that so easily entangles us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith, who for the joy set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." Hebrews 12:1-2

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