I am struggling. I have wanted to share how I have been feeling but I was waiting for some deep revelation to come to me. For the feeling that it will all be okay. However, that feeling has not come.
I am in constant pain. My joints swell and hurt all the time. Last night I believe that I hit some wall in my ability to keep a positive attitude and not to be overwhelmed by everything. Dan went to bed early last night because he was going to be called in the middle of the night. I stayed up a little while longer watching Battlestar Galactica (geeky I know) and went to feed Aubrey before I hit the hay. Usually we feed her one more bottle before bed and then she will sleep until about 6:30 am. I went to go pick her up out of the crib and I couldn't. With her laying flat my hands and wrists could not take lifting her up. I have been picking her up by putting my forearms under her armpits and lifting her that way but usually she is sitting up when I do that. I will admit that I starting bawling. How ridiculous is this? I can't even pick up my own daughter. I feel heartbroken and overwhelmed that I can no longer to all the things that I want to do.
I have an appointment with a Rheumatologist on Friday but instead of being relieved I am anxious and worried. What if she tells me there is nothing really wrong with me? That this is all because of my Crohn's and I have to just tough it out? What if there really is something else wrong with me? Crohn's disease is enough of a burden to my family but to have something else too? Poor Dan is already carrying a big load.
I am trying to remember that God is in control and He works all things for His glory but I am just overwhelmed and tired. So there it is. A few weeks ago I feel like there was the good in my story. I could see and feel God's work in me. Now here today I feel all I have is the bad and the ugly.
Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord.
Lord, hear my voice!
Let Your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications.