Wednesday, April 20, 2011

The Bad and the Ugly

I am struggling.  I have wanted to share how I have been feeling but I was waiting for some deep revelation to come to me.  For the feeling that it will all be okay.  However, that feeling has not come. 

I am in constant pain.  My joints swell and hurt all the time.  Last night I believe that I hit some wall in my ability to keep a positive attitude and not to be overwhelmed by everything.  Dan went to bed early last night because he was going to be called in the middle of the night.  I stayed up a little while longer watching Battlestar Galactica (geeky I know) and went to feed Aubrey before I hit the hay.  Usually we feed her one more bottle before bed and then she will sleep until about 6:30 am.  I went to go pick her up out of the crib and I couldn't.  With her laying flat my hands and wrists could not take lifting her up.  I have been picking her up by putting my forearms under her armpits and lifting her that way but usually she is sitting up when I do that.  I will admit that I starting bawling.  How ridiculous is this?  I can't even pick up my own daughter.  I feel heartbroken and overwhelmed that I can no longer to all the things that I want to do.

I have an appointment with a Rheumatologist on Friday but instead of being relieved I am anxious and worried.  What if she tells me there is nothing really wrong with me?  That this is all because of my Crohn's and I have to just tough it out?  What if there really is something else wrong with me?  Crohn's disease is enough of a burden to my family but to have something else too?  Poor Dan is already carrying a big load.

I am trying to remember that God is in control and He works all things for His glory but I am just overwhelmed and tired.  So there it is.  A few weeks ago I feel like there was the good in my story.  I could see and feel God's work in me.  Now here today I feel all I have is the bad and the ugly. 

Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord.
Lord, hear my voice!
Let Your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications.

Psalms 130:1-2

1 comment:

  1. Heather, I am so sorry. Hang in there, you are strong. While my heart breaks for you, I must share that I have many days I cry about what the future holds, and worry about the things I can't do with my little boy. I cry at the thought that the time will come when he is too heavy for me to lift. I got teary-eyed at the park one day because I saw moms climbing all over the playground equipment with their toddlers. He is 5 weeks and 2 days old, and I still have not left the house with him by myself. Why? Because I'm afraid...what if I go somewhere, have him in the carrier, strapped to me, and I have to go to the bathroom? Where will I put him? I can't hand him to a stranger so I can pee! Or what if I have him with me and I need to buy a few things? I won't have my lap free to carry groceries if he's strapped to me. These are just a few of the many fears I have... I try to remember I'm not the first woman in a wheelchair to have a baby...there are ways to make it all work. I try to remember that God won't give me any challenge too big to handle. But sometimes...I still cry, because it is overwhelming.