I am struggling. I have wanted to share how I have been feeling but I was waiting for some deep revelation to come to me. For the feeling that it will all be okay. However, that feeling has not come.
I am in constant pain. My joints swell and hurt all the time. Last night I believe that I hit some wall in my ability to keep a positive attitude and not to be overwhelmed by everything. Dan went to bed early last night because he was going to be called in the middle of the night. I stayed up a little while longer watching Battlestar Galactica (geeky I know) and went to feed Aubrey before I hit the hay. Usually we feed her one more bottle before bed and then she will sleep until about 6:30 am. I went to go pick her up out of the crib and I couldn't. With her laying flat my hands and wrists could not take lifting her up. I have been picking her up by putting my forearms under her armpits and lifting her that way but usually she is sitting up when I do that. I will admit that I starting bawling. How ridiculous is this? I can't even pick up my own daughter. I feel heartbroken and overwhelmed that I can no longer to all the things that I want to do.
I have an appointment with a Rheumatologist on Friday but instead of being relieved I am anxious and worried. What if she tells me there is nothing really wrong with me? That this is all because of my Crohn's and I have to just tough it out? What if there really is something else wrong with me? Crohn's disease is enough of a burden to my family but to have something else too? Poor Dan is already carrying a big load.
I am trying to remember that God is in control and He works all things for His glory but I am just overwhelmed and tired. So there it is. A few weeks ago I feel like there was the good in my story. I could see and feel God's work in me. Now here today I feel all I have is the bad and the ugly.
Out of the depths I have cried to You, O Lord.
Lord, hear my voice!
Let Your ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications.
Psalms 130:1-2
Heather, I am so sorry. Hang in there, you are strong. While my heart breaks for you, I must share that I have many days I cry about what the future holds, and worry about the things I can't do with my little boy. I cry at the thought that the time will come when he is too heavy for me to lift. I got teary-eyed at the park one day because I saw moms climbing all over the playground equipment with their toddlers. He is 5 weeks and 2 days old, and I still have not left the house with him by myself. Why? Because I'm afraid...what if I go somewhere, have him in the carrier, strapped to me, and I have to go to the bathroom? Where will I put him? I can't hand him to a stranger so I can pee! Or what if I have him with me and I need to buy a few things? I won't have my lap free to carry groceries if he's strapped to me. These are just a few of the many fears I have... I try to remember I'm not the first woman in a wheelchair to have a baby...there are ways to make it all work. I try to remember that God won't give me any challenge too big to handle. But sometimes...I still cry, because it is overwhelming.
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