Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Hard conversations

I had a hard conversation the other day with Dawson and it has taken me a few days to really process it.  I was in my bathroom getting ready for the day and Dawson had come in to chat with me.  I was all set to take my morning pills and had them laying out on the counter.  Dawson, always the one to ask why, wanted me to tell him about each pill and why I had to take it.  Now, I have a firm belief that if appropriate I will always do my best to answer whatever questions my kiddos want to ask me.  I started laying out all the pills that I take in one day (which if you are wondering it is 11 pills and 17 pills every Monday).  I explained about the ones that I take for my Crohn's disease.  How I often have a hurt tummy and these help me.  I explained that I also had to go in every two months to get a special medicine that they can only give me at the doctor office.  He wanted to know all about what an iv was and why it took so long for me to take the medicine.  I showed him the vitamins that I have to take because I don't absorb all the nutrients from the food that I eat.  Then I showed him my Lupus pills.  I hadn't really sat down and talked to the kids about my Lupus diagnosis yet.  Dawson knew that I was hurting a lot in my joints and that I am pretty tired most of the time but I have never really talked to him about what Lupus was.  I think that it was hard to explain it to him not because he didn't understand what I was saying but that I actually had to say it out loud.  It meant that it was really real.  When he looked at me with his big blue eyes and asked me when my Lupus was going to get better I almost started to cry.  I had to explain that it wasn't like the flu that would go away after a few days.  I had to say to my son that I would always have Lupus and that I would always have Crohn's disease.  I would not get "better".  At this moment I see Dawson's personality shine though.  I can see the sorrow in his eyes.  He is looking at me and I can see that he hurts for me.  I think that truth was just as hard for Dawson to hear as it was for me to say.  We finally get to the last pill and when he asks what it is I have to chuckle.  It is my birth control pill.  So in true form I answer as honestly as I can:)  I tell him that pill keeps mommy from having any more babies.  Again, he looks at me with this face that is so sad.  He says to me, "Mommy why don't you want to have anymore babies?  I love having Aubrey with us."  Once again I almost begin to cry.  My sweet boy would love to be the big brother to as many babies as we would be able to give him.  I tell him that the medicine that I take for my Lupus could make a baby very sick so I am not supposed to have anymore babies.  He looks at me for a minute.  You can see the wheels turning and then he suddenly changes the subject and launches into some Star Wars story.  He eventually leaves and as I am finishing straightening my hair I think about all the things that I didn't tell him.  The things that I am trying to work through but are keeping me up at night when Dan is away working.  I am afraid.  I am afraid that I have genetically passed on these auto immune disorders to my children.  It would be absolutely devastating to me if any of the kids were to ever be diagnosed.  I now have two, two auto immune disorders.  When I am being honest with myself...if I would have had two diseases before Dan and I decided to have children...I don't know that I would have had kids.  As I was unloading this burden to dear friend Emily she shared a powerful truth with me that I have been doing my best to remember.  She said, "Well, that is probably why this happened now instead of sooner.  God had a plan."  It is true!  He does have a plan.  I have no idea what that plan is but I know that He has one for me AND He has one for each of my children.  I can't imagine what my life would be like with out Dawson, Emma and Aubrey.  They are such a beautiful gift and I am so grateful that God gave them to me. 

I am doing my best to work through our new reality.  I think that it has been an adjustment not only for myself but also for Dan and the kids.  I am sure that as time goes by we will have many more hard conversations related to my illnesses.  I posted this great quote from CS Lewis awhile back in my bathroom.  It is a great reminder to me.

"We must stop regarding the unexpected or unpleasant things as interruptions of real life.  The truth is that interruptions ARE real life."

1 comment:

  1. God does have a plan and while it is difficult to understand his plan at times, we must trust God to unconditionally take care of us and our babies. I wish I could change this for you, Dawson, and the rest of the family. Fortunately, God is in control or I might screw up his plans as well. I know how hard these conversations are, but I knew Dawson would see every thing clearly. He is a wonderful boy. I imagine before he started talking Star Wars he thought...I need my mommy here more than I need another baby. Great job being open and honest with him. He feels more secure knowing the truth. I can't imagine my life without Dawson, Emma, and Aubrey as well. I am glad you didn't know sooner. I love you!!!